Joey from Blossom or Joey from Friends (and Joey)?

Both Joeys are known for their physical hotness more than their mental capabilities, but each was charming in his own way. Each had his own catchphrase of course. Joey Russo’s “Whoa!” made us laugh in those grungy, depressing days of the early ’90s. Joey Tribbiani’s “How you doin’?” made us want to want to melt into his arms (and his bed).

So who would be more attentive to your needs? Who would caress you oh so gently? Who would make you feel like a natural woman (or man)?

If you are not a 30 Rock fan, it is time to become one. Did you know the show’s 17 Emmy nominations in 2008 were the most a comedy show ever received in a single year? Oh, you already knew that? Sorry.

Of the 58 episodes, Josh (Lonny Ross) has appeared in 34 of them, and Lutz (John Lutz) in 27. Don’t get me wrong, I love the lead characters, but sometimes I wish they would use the minor characters a bit more.

Here is one of my all-time favorite clips:

The Worm and the Crab

And for those of you who doubt Alec Baldwin’s genius, watch this.

“Mind your own damn business, Mrs Rodriguez!”

The Cornhole – Corn on the cob wrapped in hickory bacon with two hot dogs and two Colby-Jack cheese sticks wrapped in ground beef.

Meat (in) Loaf – Sausage, ham, ground beef, and American cheese melted inside a loaf of white bread.

Plenty more where these came from at ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com.

Gross.

This one if for you American Idol fans. I haven’t watched American Idol this season. In fact, I only ever watched one season, and I regretted it. But here’s what I can gather about the two finalists:

Kris Allen:
• The mayor of Conway, Arkansas gave him a key to the city.
• Has been a “worship leader” at the New Life Church in Arkansas.
• Put out a pre-Idol album called “Brand New Shoes”.
• Looks like a 13-year-old.
• Cheesy as hell.

Adam Lambert:
• The mayor of San Diego made May 8 “Adam Lambert Day”.
• Is ambiguously gay.
• Played Linus in a theatre production of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown.
• Looks like Eddie Munster and/or a Vulcan.
• Cheesy as hell.

Happy voting, America!

Which Conchord would you rather fly with? Bret or Jemaine?
This one is split 60/40 (like the old skateboard company). 60% of you chose Jemaine. I must admit I’m a little surprised. Personally I think Bret is cuter. But maybe it’s because I’m not gay and he’s more girly. Since you begged me here is one more clip: “If You’re Into It”. New Zealand…Ewe Should Come.

Who is the cooler Jehovah’s Witness? Ja Rule or Lark Voorhies?
58% of you chose Lark over Ja. Lark Voorhies definitely has more street cred. I wonder if she goes door to door with the Watchtower.

Who is the more embarrassing Mormon? Marie Osmond or Glenn Beck?
Marie Osmond came out with the early lead, but it looks like Glenn Beck makes people more uncomfortable. 62% of you anyway. Apparently he was even a bigger jerk before he converted to the LDS church. I can’t even imagine. Glenn Beck, making people embarrassed to be Mormon since 2002.

If you were Kelly Kapowski, who would you choose? Zack Morris or A.C. Slater?
Zack is the clear leader with 80% of the votes at this point. The “Zack Attack” can’t be stopped. Neither can his DynaTAC cell phone.

Which tattoo would you regret more in the morning? Bald Britney or Centaur Swayze?
Sorry Britney fans. An overwhelming 75% prefer the Swayze tattoo. In fact, one of my readers actually went out and got one on their back. Actually that didn’t happen. I like that Mariana pointed out the “respectful crossing of the hands” by the centaur Swazye. Have you seen Kelly Kapowski’s latest tattoo?

Subway vs. Quiznos.
This one is still pretty close, but Subway is in the lead with 58% of the votes. I love that people refused to vote because they don’t like either and prefer other sandwich shops, but people seemed willing to vote on having either Paris Hilton or Amy Winehouse babysit their kids. I also love the Dodo exchange between Coleman and Amy R. And I love the Rooster Call at the Robin’s Nest. It is amazing.

I’m a big fan of both comic actors.

Ricky Gervais is the creator and star of The Office and Extras, among other things. If you haven’t seen his standup before, I highly recommend it. It’s hilarious. Mike Myers is of course known for Saturday Night Live, Austin Powers, Shrek, Halloween, etc. as well as two of my favorite films, Wayne’s World and So I Married an Axe Murderer.

Oh and they both look a bit like old lesbians.

Who would win in a fight? The real life Chuck Norris or his fictional character, Walker, Texas Ranger?

Probably the greatest thing that has happened during my short lifetime is the NBC/Universal Studios merger in 2004. Here’s why: Conan O’Brien, who I am a huge fan of, works for NBC. Universal owns USA and USA owns the rights to Walker, Texas Ranger (WTR for those in the know). When the two companies merged Conan was suddenly allowed to highlight Walker clips on his show. He created a Walker, Texas Ranger Lever that plays clips on demand. This video is worth your time. I PROMISE.

If you liked that clip here is another one and I still promise it won’t disappoint. Yes, that is the Dad from The Wonder Years at minute 2:58. He was always a jerk on the show, but that was downright evil. Here’s one more and it’s only 14 seconds long: “Walker told me I have AIDS.” And yes, that is Haley Joel Osment.

Walker is pretty tough, but could he beat up Chuck Norris? Most of you have probably heard of ChuckNorrisFacts.com. Here are some winners:

• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Sorry non-Biggest Loser fans. This is something I’ve got to do. I’m curious to know where people stand on the events that have unfolded on this season’s The Biggest Loser.

Here is the situation: We are down to the final 4 contestants, but only 3 can make it into the finals. America gets to decide. Ron and Mike are a Father/Son team. Ron made it clear from the beginning that he was here for his son’s health and would do whatever was it takes to keep him in the game. Ron has done a few shady things to keep Mike in the game and has earned the nicknames “The Godfather” and “Hatchet Man“. Anyway, both Ron and Mike asked America to keep Mike in. Mike actually has a chance of winning the whole thing, where Ron does not.

A similar situation happened last season. It was so fun to watch. It came down to Ed and Heba, a husband and wife, and they both asked America to keep Heba in because it was her dream to be in the finals of The Biggest Loser. Think celebrity status, health product endorsements, more contact with Bob, etc. The problem is that Heba had been a little brat the whole season and America didn’t particularly care for her. So even though they both pleaded to put her through to the finals, America voted for Ed. Classic!

So what do we do with Ron and Mike? Here’s the thing, Ron succeeded in his goal. He claims to be concerned about Mike’s health and not the money ($250,000). Well Mike is healthy. He stayed in the game for as long as anyone could. Mike is only 18 years old and seems to be a pretty nice kid. So do you kick him out to spite his father? You decide!

Personally I want Helen to win. She’s the underdog, and less annoying than Tara. I would be fine if any of the following won the $100,000: Sione, Filipe, Damien, Nicole, or Kristin. Also I’m excited to see Joelle because she is crazy. Also why does it seem like there tends to be a lot of Mormons on the show?

Thomas Edison would be proud. We’ve managed to invent some crazy shit since the light bulb.

The Peekaru allows moms to envelope their child into a plushy cocoon of horror. It works for dads too. Ever seen Total Recall?

Have you given up on life or recently joined a cult? Try the Snuggie. Now you can pray to the dark lord Ganon in style. Here is a funny parody commercial (contains some swearing).

I love scary stories, movies, etc. I love getting scared. Did anyone else do “Bloody Mary” growing up? I’m still scared of mirrors because of that. Why would we do that? Gail de Vos sheds some light:

“So why do children continue to summon Bloody Mary, flirting with danger and possible tragedy? The ages between 9 and 12 are labeled “the Robinson age” by psychologists. This is the period when children need to satisfy their craving for excitement by participating in ritual games and playing in the dark. They are constantly looking for a safe way to extract pleasure and release anxiety and fears.”

Ah, now I see.

Anyone have any scary stories?